Thursday, May 29, 2014

4 Animals That Will Kill You For Pleasure

  As the centuries passed, we humans began to lose our fear of the natural world.  Now that we live in giant metropolises, surrounded by technology and concrete, the only thing to watch out for is sitting on a hepatitis infused needle or the giant hunks of fast moving metallic death on four wheels we call cars.  Up next are 4 animals that simply don’t give a rat’s ass about you and your iPhone.  They won’t judge you, they only want your juicy bits.

#1. Dolphins

  Bottle-nose dolphins are among the most intelligent creatures on planet earth. They live in large groups called ‘pods’ and like to eat fish I think, well I don’t know I’m not a fancy marine biologist or Kanye west. Being the highly intelligent and social creatures that they are, Dolphins hunt in groups, Orchestrating complex hunting strategies like ramming into things and shooting bubbles at fish.  

  But these cute animals have a dark side. They are the only animal on the planet that kill for sheer pleasure. Scientist have for a long time looked for an explanation as to why large quantities of porpoise carcasses
would appear on the beaches with no signs of sickness or predation. It was discovered that dolphins would kill the porpoises for fun, they would play a macabre game of “soccer”. 

 It is known that dolphins use sonar to find food and examine their surroundings but recently scientist have discovered that the sonar can be used to target vital organs for a quicker kill. Think about that the next time you go swimming in the beach.

#2. Lions


   The king of the jungle, with a majestic mane and powerful muscular body, the male lion can weigh up to 600 pounds. Lions are very social animals, living in prides composed of mostly related females and a single male but sometimes more than one.  After the male cubs mature into adults, they leave the pride in search of some sweet sweet poonanie.
  When the now solitary male finds a pride of his own he is met with the opposition of the controlling male of the group. They battle until one or the other surrenders. If the original leader is defeated, he is banished from the pride never to return again. The now victorious lion has only one thing in his mind, some nice cat tits and ass. But there is only one problem, the females will only mate when they are in heat. And if they have cubs then there will be no pussy crushing for a long time. So what’s a horny lion to do? Well systematically murder all the cubs that’s for sure. After killing all the decedents of the previous male, the lion is free to mate with all the females of his new pride. 

#3. Elephants

  The largest living land mammal alive today, the elephant can weigh up to 1500 pounds. Being such a hefty creature, the elephant needs to consume an average of 95,000 Calories a day with a digestive efficiency of 50% these gargantuan animals literally, need to eat every second of their waking lives just to be able to function. Sort of like that fat kid in junior high school that would ask everyone in the cafeteria “hey cuzz, you gonna eat that“?

The only time that elephants are not eating is when they are fighting each other for some tight elephant snatch. Well I don’t know about tight, have you seen an elephant’s cock? That thing is “S” shaped and bigger than the average man!!  Well that’s enough about elephant genitlia for one day.

Male elephants undergo a period of elevated testosterone level called “musht” in which they basically get super horny and aggressive, sort of like your average teenager. During this time is when it is more likely to get killed and or raped by a giant pachyderm.

#4. Hippopotamus

   The hippo is a large semi-aquatic mammal that lives in sub-Saharan Africa. Male hippos can weigh in excess of 8000 pounds, surviving on a mostly vegetarian diet, although they are known to consume the entrails of decomposing carcasses, to supplement their diet. These giant lards of fat may seem innocent enough, just floating in a river, eating big macs, or whatever the heck they eat. But, hippopotamuses are responsible for more than 2000 human deaths a year.
  Paul Templer, was a tour guide in Zimbabwe. One day he and a group of tourist went on a sight seeing trip to the Zambezi River, near Victoria Fall. When a 4000 pound hippo literally swallowed him whole. Paul recounts how it felt like
“I was aware that my legs were surrounded by water, but my top half was almost dry,” he recalled. “I seemed to be trapped in something slimy. There was a terrible, sulphurous smell, like rotten eggs, and a tremendous pressure against my chest. My arms were trapped but I managed to free one hand and felt around – my palm passed through the wiry bristles of the hippo's snout. It was only then that I realized I was underwater, trapped up to my waist in his mouth.” 
After it was all done Paul had almost 40 puncture wounds and had lost his left arm.

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