Wednesday, June 4, 2014

3 Hardest Video Games I Have Ever Played

I love video games, ever since I was a little kid I have been obsessed with them. From aimlessly running round in the psychedelic world of Mario land, to shooting cops and killing hookers in grand theft auto.  Video games are an outlet for us to escape our reality.  It doesn’t matter that in the real world you are a fat neckbeard with greasy fingers and a double chin, because, in the game you can be a hero in shining armor or the same kiss less virgin you have always been, if you do choose of course. But up next, are the games that were so difficult, they would burst our bubbles of fabricated virtual reality, and send your fat, bulbous bodies, back to mother’s basement and lock the doors in total desperation.  

#1. BattleToads

  Released in 1991 for the Nintendo Entertainment System (nes), battletoads was a complete rip-off of “the mutant ninja turtles”.  Staring three talking toads, creatively named after skin conditions, Rash, Zitz, and Pimple. Battletoads is the game that created the beat `em up genre.  The game relied on the player to have super human reflexes to perform ever increasingly difficult tasks, augmented by the fact that you were given a set number of lives that were difficult to replenish, and if lost, would send the player back to the beginning of the game!

  In this particularly frustrating level, everything starts innocently enough. You mount your “hover scooter?” and begin your trek forward. First dodging small obstacles, then, after the first checkpoint, things take a sinister turn to the frustrating realm of video game madness. The obstacles appear with only milliseconds to react to them. Ramps take you to the air, suggesting your ordeal has ended, only to be greeted by hell on the other side. As you progress through the level, you are hit with a striking realization (this is only the beginning of the game). Then you lose your sense of self. All you ever held dear is irrelevant, you are now a soulless husk of the person you were mere moments before.

#2. Mike Tyson’s Punch-out

  This game was originally released for the NES, in 1987. Featuring a scrawny nameless fighter, whose mission was to defeat every opponent on his journey to become a world champion boxer. Relying on a limited move set of, left and right jab, left and right hook, and an uppercut, your only way of defeating the ever hardened fictional boxers was to dodge their blows, and exploiting their weaknesses, which were sometimes clearly marked

After making your way through the colorful roster of fighters, you are greeted by the boss of bosses, the then world champion, Mike Tyson. Even the hardest of punches has little effect on him.  Your only hope is to have cat like reflexes, to be able to maneuver around the barrage of punches. Tyson’s punches are lethal, a single blow and your life meter is reduced to nothing. I have contemplated my own existence as I fell to the wrath of Tysons fists. I have thrown the video game controller out the window in sheer desperation, falling to my knees in total surrender to the pain and anger of being completely helpless. I still cry to this day, I’m a lonely man.

#3. Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels

  If you have ever played super Mario bros, you know how fun and easy it is.  But, Super Mario Bros: The Lost Levels, is a completely different beast. Released in 1986, in Japan, as Super Mario Bros 2. Nintendo of America, decided not to release the game in the United States because it was thought that it would not sell enough copies since the game was too difficult for us dumb Americans. The game featured the usual mainstay of, male enhancing mushrooms, and life giving coins, but this time joined by poison mushrooms in disguise, and general doucheyness.
  Imagine yourself as Mario. A short, lively man with a mustache. You have always looked to the companionship of a woman, yet you lack the confidence to achieve so much as a second look from a lady. Your only interaction with the opposite sex is a platonic friendship with a girl in a pink dress called peach toadstool. You desperately crave some of that gushy wet wet but can’t achieve your goal, why? well, you have been friendzoned. As you see this woman run away with a man, you are filled with so much anger and denial that you somehow convince yourself that she has been taken against her will. You embark on a journey to “save” your sweet lover from the arms of her depraved captor. Approaching the dwelling of the malicious beast that ruined your life, you are filled with a sense of heroism. A knight in shining armor ready to save the virgin princess. Breaking down the door, rushing to where you hear the moans and a rhythmic pounding. Filled with terror of the sadistic and tortures acts that your princess is enduring behind that final door, Leaping with a fist in the air you proclaim “ its’a me, Mario!”. Suddenly you are hit with the brutal realization of what your eyes are perceiving. Your virgin princess is making love with her man.
  Super Mario Bros: The lost levels, is a result of this sour encounter. Mario endlessly reliving the experience (in a padded room) over and over. Desperately trying to change the outcome of that faithful day. Eating his own feces he looks around and says "Nice of the princess to invite us over a picnic, eh Luigi?"

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